That’s a really great post Chris and one which I really appreciate. I get caught up in this stuff a bit too much. It actually comes from a pretty dark place that I should have left behind long ago.
When i was in oz and getting battered from pillar to post emotionally and financially through a crippling divorce, I turned to my sports to be the one thing that I could be in control of without interference from ‘outside’.
Whether it was TTing, bike racing or just paddling out into some suicidal wave, it didn’t matter, part of me thought ‘fuck it, let’s roll the dice and if I expire, then I expire’
That sounds quite dramatic these days of course but my work was stressful and I could barely pay my rent, so throwing myself in was something of a relief.
Of course, thankfully (in a way) two things saved me. My crumbling back gave me no choice as to slow up, slow down and of course over time with Mrs FP, life got a little more comfortable.
I never really let go of the ‘mongrel’ in me though. Speed challenges have turned to distance. I think with the identity thing, when a lot of you has been been stripped by CSA, you desperately want something that’s ‘yours and yours alone’.
I like to think of myself as an endurance ‘athlete’ and seem to have a few years of one focus and the another. I do remember a really good mate in Oz telling me ‘it’s ok to be an ex triathlete’ and I’ve come to terms with that now but there’s no hard and fast rules of course.
Ultra running is different though. Different to IM and road running. I’ve not done any long distance gravel riding but could be similar. Ultras really strip me back and beat the shit out of me.
Nearly everything is about vert and that’s hard to explain why a 56km on the north coast with 2400mtrs can take you 10hrs when you can run 42km in 3.40. Everything about the challenge is exciting but lots of things about the ‘doing’ are downright brutal. But when you’re out there and look around and think ’ shit yeah I’m doing it’!
Then some rake thin local gazelle comes bounding past with their kit all clean and I’m death shuffling like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine and I think ‘what the hell are you doing’? 
You are absolutely right though, I’ve been really lucky to be able to have done lots of things and surfed some epic waves and ridden some lovely bikes. None of it matters in the grand scheme of being a parent responsible for raising a little person.
I guess my question in the middle of an ultra is always ‘Is this the best thing you could be doing with your life right now?’
Which is obviously not the best place to ask it! 
little 
